Painting the Internal Landscape

I started painting to escape into a world of color and imagination while my dad was dying.

Shortly after he passed, everything I painted ended up an ugly and radioactive landscape that I wanted to burn.

Instead of setting things on fire, I covered the canvases in black tinted gesso and made them into monochromatic floral depictions.

Those permutations of grief eventually gave way to fresh canvases conveying schism scenes — a signifying step towards new life after loss.

As Matt and I began making future plans, I reached for bigger canvases and brighter colors.

Like the inverse of radioactive wastelands turned monochrome — our monochrome walls became canvased over in color. But we couldn’t gesso over the complications of our rustic living conditions and the need for more accessible spaces.

And so we reached for a larger living canvas on which to paint our lives. We found one — high on a mountain ridge with expansive views of prismatically painted skies set against Arcadian-inspired pastures.

My first painting in our new home emulated the color palette outdoors (though I took liberties by adding young trees and flower beds that I intended to plant.)

My next painting was an intentional merging of my mid-grief black & white period and my post-grief big, bright botanical phase.

But this time, I painted it with a specific location in mind, pulling colors and inspiration from surrounding objects.

In January 2026, I took my first painting class – botanical landscapes/direct painting with the amazing artist Elody Gyykis (online/live class).

Elody inspired me to mix my own colors and embrace my inclination toward big, juicy brush strokes.

She also encouraged me to stop dwelling on my inability to draw and instead focus on finding ways to be expressively effective using just gestures of color.

Her passion for lighting in her studio also motivated me to move my easel and implements into our best lit space on the second floor.

Canvas by canvas, through these phases of metamorphosis, I find myself becoming a painter. Not a professional. Not an artist. Just someone who expresses and navigates life through the medium of paint.